日本結婚禮金只係象徵式？中日婚姻禮金點解走上兩條路｜ 愛情顧問解說
🌐 English version
Why Japan's Wedding Gift Money Stayed Symbolic While China's Spiraled Into Sky-High Bride Prices — A Love Advisor Explains
📰 What Happened
Many people assume bride price is unique to China, but Japan has its own version too, called "yuinō" (結納), which shares the same origin as the "nàzhēng" (gift-giving) step in ancient China's "Six Rites" — over a thousand years ago, when Japan imported ritual and wedding customs from the Tang dynasty, it brought this practice along as well.
But a thousand years later, the two places have gone down two completely different paths.
Japan's yuinō money is still part of the "ritual," but it long ago lost its economic function. According to a survey by the Japanese wedding etiquette site yuinou.fun, the average yuinō amount is around ¥1 million (about HK$50,000), a figure that has stayed almost unchanged for over twenty years — while prices kept climbing, the gift money simply never went up. How it's packaged even carries its own fine details:
- About 48% choose ¥1 million, regarded as the most respectable standard amount
- About 20% choose ¥700,000, because "seven" is an odd number and is considered "indivisible" (割れない), symbolizing an unbroken bond
- About 16% choose ¥500,000, mostly a Kantō region custom — since the bride's family is expected to return half ("han-gaeshi"), families simply give ¥500,000 to symbolize each side contributing its share of goodwill
- Very few give a high-end yuinō of over ¥2 million (about HK$100,000)
Japanese gift money has another charming detail: it must be an odd number. Because even numbers are believed to "split" (割れる) and bring bad luck, odd amounts like ¥700,000, ¥1.5 million, and ¥1.1 million are the mainstream. And the bride's return gift ("yuinō-gaeshi") amounts to 10% to 50% of the yuinō depending on the region, emphasizing "equality" and "balance" — the whole thing reads more like a ritual of mutual respect between two families than a transaction where one side demands and the other pays.
Nowadays, more than 60% of Japanese couples simply skip the yuinō ceremony altogether (Zexy Wedding Trend Survey 2023), keeping only a meal between the two sets of parents. The gift money hasn't disappeared, but it has shifted from a matter "between families" back to a gesture "between two people."
Mainland China, by contrast, sits at the other extreme: a Jiangxi bride's family demanding ¥63.88 million in bride price drove her wealthy fiancé to call off the wedding; a bride-to-be who received ¥500,000 in bride price was scolded online for "selling her daughter"; and a divorcing couple had to weigh out and return ¥180,000 in bride price plus the engagement pork. Bride price has gone from "goodwill" to "admission ticket," from "ritual" to "debt."
👩💼 The Advisor's Take
① Is the bride price "goodwill" or a "ticket"? China and Japan hold fundamentally different views of marriage
The difference in the fate of bride price in China and Japan looks like it's about money on the surface, but underneath it's a divergence in how the two cultures view marriage.
From the late Edo period through the Meiji Restoration, Japan gradually completed the "individualization" of marriage — marriage was no longer an extension of the family, but a personal contract. Getting married didn't mean "marrying into" the other's household, but "building" a new family together. Once marriage became a matter between two people, bride price naturally lost its footing, surviving only as a ritual that keeps the "warmth of form."
Mainland China is exactly the opposite. Marriage there still carries a strong flavor of "family alliance," and bride price bears a triple meaning: the groom's "sincerity," the bride's family's "face," and the "status contest" between two families. Psychology has a concept called the "Money Script" — the beliefs about money that people absorb as they grow up directly shape how they use money to express emotion and sustain relationships. The mainland bride price's evolution from "symbolic goodwill" into a "social ticket" is precisely the result of a collective Money Script being pushed ever higher by "face culture."
In one sentence: a Japanese parent hearing about the gift money might say, "You two should live well together"; a mainland parent hearing about bride price might say, "No bride price, no sincerity." Both love their children, but one starts from a "contract for life together," the other from "family honor."
② Hong Kong stands in the middle: the dilemma of "guo da li"
Hong Kong sits between China and Japan, with its own "guo da li" (betrothal gifts) tradition — the groom's family presents the bride's family with betrothal money, gold ornaments, and wedding cakes. The amount ranges from thirty-something thousand to eighty or a hundred thousand Hong Kong dollars, usually in "auspicious" figures (like $38,888 or $68,888), chosen more for good luck than to actually "sell the daughter."
But Hong Kong has one very distinctive feature: the bride price is nowhere near the main character among wedding expenses.
In mainland China, couples dread an "astronomical bride price"; in Hong Kong, the dread is "property prices." Hong Kong's housing prices rank among the highest in the world — a flat can easily cost several million to over ten million dollars, and next to that, a bride price of a few tens of thousands is pocket change. So when Hong Kong couples discuss marriage, the bride price is the appetizer and the flat is the main course — and many couples who argue about the bride price are actually projecting their "housing stress" onto it.
Still, bride-price disputes never stop in Hong Kong. On the HK01 forum you regularly see: a couple agrees on no bride price, then the father-in-law springs a sky-high figure; a bride-to-be who names a certain amount is mocked for "selling herself"; the bride's family complains that even their basic request isn't enough to cover the wedding cakes. On the surface these are arguments about money, but what's really being fought over is something else.
③ What's really at stake behind the bride price isn't money — it's "respect" and "security"
In the battle over bride price, both sides sound like they're talking about money, but what's actually being put on the table are usually two things that never get spoken aloud.
From the woman's side, the bride price represents the man's sincerity, his commitment, and security after marriage. Especially for women who plan to quit work and become full-time mothers, leaving the workforce means losing their income, so in their eyes the bride price and gold are a symbol of "security" — if the marriage ever goes wrong, at least they won't be left with nothing. So when the man complains the bride price is too high, what the woman hears is, "You never even thought about protecting me."
From the man's side, the bride price is a passive transaction — being quoted an exorbitant figure by the in-laws, being treated like an ATM, even being questioned whether he's "sincere enough." What the man hears is, "If you can't afford it, don't get married," and his dignity takes a hit.
Psychology has a concept called "Financial Infidelity," which refers to partners hiding money matters from each other or holding seriously divergent views about money. Failing to agree on the bride price is often a preview of the money conflicts that come after marriage — because the two sides never sat down and talked it through from the start; their understanding of "what money means in a marriage" was never aligned.
💡 What You Can Learn
There's no standard answer when it comes to bride price, but a few things can make the conversation go more smoothly:
First, talk about the "meaning" before you start haggling over numbers. Sit down and talk it through: what does the bride price mean to your two families? Is it sincerity, is it security, or is it simply tradition? Once both sides agree on the "meaning," the numbers become much easier to discuss.
Second, treat each situation on its own terms — don't apply a one-size-fits-all rule. Will the woman stop working after marriage? What's the financial situation of the two families? Is there a return-gift custom? If the woman keeps working and is financially independent, the "security" meaning of the bride price shrinks considerably; if she'll become a full-time mother, the bride price and gold can't be brushed off as mere "tradition." The bride price should be discussed together with the "return gift" and post-wedding expenses — don't pull it out and argue about it in isolation.
Third, reframe the bride price as a "start-up fund for your new family." Hong Kong readers need to see clearly: what you truly have to face together is property prices and the cost of living, not those few tens of thousands in bride price. Rather than treating the bride price as a "purchase price," the two families could agree to turn it into starting capital for the new couple — that relieves pressure on both sides and lets the elders keep face.
When couples can't agree on the bride price, nine times out of ten it's because the things beyond money — trust, respect, security — haven't been spoken clearly. Getting those clear is the real first lesson of marriage.
Come talk to a LoveWise love advisor — whether it's the bride price, pre-marriage communication, or money planning after the wedding, we're here to talk it through with you, step by step 💕
📰 事件背景
好多人以為「禮金」係中國獨有，其實日本一樣有，叫「結納」（ゆいのう），同中國古代「六禮」入面嘅「納徵」同出一源——上千年前，日本由唐朝引入禮法同婚儀時，順手將呢套程序一齊帶咗過去。
但千年之後，兩地行咗兩條完全唔同嘅路。
日本嘅「結納金」至今仍係「禮」嘅一部分，但早就失去咗經濟功能。根據日本婚禮禮儀網站 yuinou.fun 嘅調查，結納金嘅社會平均值約 100 萬日元（約 5 萬港元），呢個數字已經持續二十幾年幾乎冇變——物價一路升，禮金就係唔加價。點樣包，仲有微細學問：
- 約 48% 揀包 100 萬日元，被視為最體面嘅標準數額
- 約 20% 揀 70 萬日元，因為「七」係奇數，被認為「割れない」，象徵緣分不斷
- 約 16% 揀 50 萬日元，多數係關東習俗——因為女方要「半返し」（返還一半禮金），索性只包 50 萬，象徵雙方各盡一份心意
- 超過 200 萬日元（約 10 萬港元）嘅高額結納金，比例極低
日本禮金仲有個有趣嘅細節：一定要用奇數。因為日本人覺得偶數「割れる」（會被分開）唔吉利，所以 70 萬、150 萬、110 萬呢類奇數先係主流。而女方嘅「結納返し」（回禮），金額依地區佔結納金嘅 10% 到 50%，講究「對等」同「平衡」——成件事睇落似兩家互敬嘅儀式，多過一方索取、另一方付出嘅交易。
到今時今日，日本超過六成新人索性唔搞結納儀式（《ゼクシィ結婚趨勢調查2023》），只保留雙方家長食餐飯。禮金冇消失，但由「家與家」之間嘅事，變返「人與人」之間嘅心意。
反觀內地，就係另一個極端：江西有女家索 6388 萬禮金搞到富貴男友悔婚、有準新娘收 50 萬人仔禮金被網民鬧「賣女」、有夫妻離婚要斷斤秤返 18 萬禮金同聘禮豬肉。禮金由「心意」變成「門票」，由「禮」變成「債」。
👩💼 顧問分析
① 禮金係「心意」定「門票」？中日婚姻觀根本唔同
中日禮金命運嘅差異，表面係錢，底層係婚姻觀嘅分歧。
日本喺江戶時代後期到明治維新，逐步完成咗婚姻嘅「個人化」——結婚唔再係家族嘅延伸，而係個人嘅契約。結婚唔代表「嫁入」對方屋企，而係「共建」一個新家庭。當婚姻係兩個人嘅事，禮金自然失去咗存在嘅土壤，只係一種保留住「形式溫度」嘅儀式。
內地就啱啱相反。婚姻至今仍帶住濃厚嘅「家族聯姻」色彩，禮金承載住三重意義：男方嘅「誠意」、女方家嘅「面子」、仲有兩個家庭之間嘅「地位較量」。心理學入面有個概念叫「金錢腳本」（Money Script）——人喺成長過程學到對金錢嘅信念，會直接影響佢哋點樣用錢去表達情感同維繫關係。內地禮金由「象徵心意」演變成「社會門票」，正正係集體金錢腳本被「面子文化」越推越高嘅結果。
一句講晒：日本父母聽到禮金，可能話「你哋要好好生活」；內地父母聽到禮金，第一句可能係「唔俾禮金，冇誠意」。同樣係愛仔女，一個以「生活契約」為起點，一個以「家庭體面」為起點。
② 香港企喺中間位：「過大禮」嘅兩難
香港介乎中日之間，有自己一套「過大禮」傳統——男家向女家送上聘金、金器、嫁女餅，禮金金額由三萬幾到十萬八萬不等，通常講「意頭」數字（$38,888、$68,888 呢類），取個好意頭多過真係「賣女」。
但香港有個好特別嘅位：禮金呢條數，喺結婚開支入面根本唔算主角。
內地結婚最怕「禮金天價」，香港最怕嘅係「樓價」。香港樓價全球數一數二，一層樓隨時幾百萬上千萬，同呢條數比，幾萬蚊禮金只係零頭。所以香港情侶傾結婚，禮金係前菜，樓先係主菜——好多情侶拗禮金，其實係將「買樓壓力」投射咗落去。
不過香港禮金爭議一樣冇停過。香港01 論壇不時見到：講好唔畀禮金、外父突襲開天價；準新娘要求某個數被嘲「賣女」；女家呻只要求基本數、連買餅都唔夠。呢啲爭拗，表面拗緊錢，實際拗緊嘅係另一樣嘢。
③ 禮金背後真正爭嘅，唔係錢，係「尊重」同「安全感」
禮金呢場仗，兩邊講嘅嘢聽落都係「錢」，但真正擺上枱嘅，往往係兩樣冇被講出口嘅嘢。
女方角度，禮金代表嘅係男方嘅誠意、承諾，同婚後嘅保障。尤其係婚後準備辭職做全職媽媽嘅女性，一旦離開職場就冇咗收入，禮金同金器喺佢哋心目中，係一種「安全感」嘅象徵——萬一婚姻有變，至少唔會一無所有。所以當男方嫌禮金貴，女方聽到嘅係「你根本冇諗過保障我」。
男方角度，禮金就係一場被動嘅交易——被外父外母開天價、被當提款機，甚至被質疑「唔夠誠意」。男方聽到嘅係「你買唔起就咪結婚」，尊嚴受損。
心理學有個概念叫「財務不忠」（Financial Infidelity），指伴侶之間喺金錢上有所隱瞞、或金錢觀嚴重分歧。禮金傾唔掂，好多時就係婚後金錢衝突嘅預演——因為雙方由頭到尾都冇坐低傾清楚，大家對「錢喺婚姻入面代表咩」嘅理解，根本唔一致。
💡 普通人啟示
禮金呢單嘢，冇標準答案，但有幾樣嘢可以令你哋傾得順啲：
第一，傾「意義」先，唔好一嚟就拗數字。 坐低傾清楚：禮金對你哋兩家嚟講代表咩？係誠意、係保障、定係純粹傳統？如果雙方對「意義」有共識，數字自然好傾好多。
第二，分情況，唔好一刀切。 女方婚後會唔會唔做嘢？兩家財政狀況點樣？有冇回禮習俗？如果女方婚後繼續工作、經濟獨立，禮金嘅「保障」意義就會細好多；如果女方會做全職媽媽，禮金同金器就唔可以淨係當「傳統」咁輕視。禮金應該連同「回禮」同「婚後開支」一齊傾，唔好單項抽出嚟拗。
第三，將禮金定位做「新家庭啟動基金」。 香港讀者要認清：你哋真正要一齊面對嘅，係樓價同生活成本，而唔係嗰幾萬蚊禮金。與其將禮金當「買賣代價」，不如兩家傾好，將佢轉做兩個新人嘅起步錢——咁樣兩邊壓力都會細好多，長輩又有面子。
禮金傾唔掂，九成係因為錢以外嘅嘢——信任、尊重、安全感——未講清楚。搞清楚呢啲，先至係婚姻嘅真正第一課。
搵 LoveWise 嘅愛情顧問傾下，無論係禮金、婚前溝通定婚後金錢規劃，我哋都可以陪你慢慢傾 💕